a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut
kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes
text your landlord
remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response
briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada
remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states
look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”
remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you
enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday
order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.
exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.
return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open
back up
ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead
release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it
you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways
the door swings open
run up the stairs
open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat
cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home
flying as a hijabi (alone this time) and the guy next to me is talking really loudly about bin laden and killing terrorists and making deliberate eye contact with me the entire time
why are ppl like this???
and it’s only because i’m alone - having a 6’4” bulky built husband usually makes people swallow whatever nasty comments they may have
jokes on him because a flight attendant overheard him and upgraded my seat
go stew in your anger in economy, peasant
flight attendant came and slipped me this, bless her soul
alhamdulillah safely home and very appreciative of the kind flight crew who looked after me
but i do want to take a moment to remind everyone that people with the intention to do evil or make their hate known almost always go after those who are perceived as vulnerable. it’s no surprise to me that things like this happen almost exclusively when i am alone and an easier target. hijabis especially, being so visible. to my hijabi girlies, remember to stay aware of your surroundings and practice safe travel habits. to my friends on here, it pays to be vigilant as well and to help watch the backs of those around you if you’re able
this stuff happens a lot more often than you’d think, unfortunately, and the most we can do is to try and be as safe as we can and watch out for each other
got called into the living room because “they’re talking about something you’ll like on tv” and it was a documentary about arsenic poisoning
feels worth mentioning that my response to this was to yell “POISONS??? :D :D :D” and sprint into the room like a dog that’s just been told it’s time for a walk
my favorite example of transferable skills in fiction regardless of how realistic it is are people who work with textiles (sewing, tailoring, etc.) being asked to help stitch a wound or perform surgery. oh you can mend a hole in a shirt? mend a hole in this guy then. it’s basically the same thing just with more blood and screaming.
ALT
customer: wow, these stitches are so neat! where did you learn how to do this?
former mafia boss who abandoned the life of crime after realizing one day that he had a talent and passion for sewing: don’t worry about it
ALT
